Today's joke

It's just not cricket- pt 1

I think our Pommie mates will really enjoy this. For us Aussies..... OUCH. Still, bit of a laugh.
[FONT=&quot]Q Where do the English cricket team stay when they tour South Africa?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A With their parents[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What's the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten and Walloped.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any openers...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? - Retired![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]-A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The madam replies $60.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia[/FONT][FONT=&quot]n [/FONT][FONT=&quot]shirt.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- WHAT do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A laughing stock.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A waiter.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The woman who irons their cricket whites.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He forgot it was chained to his foot.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What is the main function of the Australia coach?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]- What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
PART 2

[FONT=&quot]
- What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The entire Australian innings.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Because he can get out without even trying.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A bat.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- What do you call a cricket field full of Australians?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A vacant lot.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- Why can’t Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]They eat all the grass.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
- What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Hope this has not been posted previously:


A dog lover, whose dog was a ***** and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" she asked
"It just worked for me" he replied

From a retired and respected member of the Courts.

Dear Julia

Let's put the seniors in gaol and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure! rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
 
Rally said:
Hope this has not been posted previously:



From a retired and respected member of the Courts.

Dear Julia

Let's put the seniors in gaol and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure! rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Click to expand...

Of course, given that our criminal courts are state based, any halfway intelligent retired judge would address the statement to the various state Premiers, not to the Prime Minister.

Likewise, I can't think of any relevant legislation which has changed since Little Johnnie was Prime Minister, so can only assume that addressing it to Julia is a 'sick joke' in at least two respects. :poke:
 
I actually edited the end of the joke and forgot to edit the beginning as well. Yes, you are quite right, but it should never of got to that.
 
Did you hear about the alcoholic transvestite with the eating disorder?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
British justice = Oxymoron. Still, democracy the 'least worst system', as Churchill said.


What I really don't get are those were happy with middle class welfare for years, or for a flat levey for lawyers to be paid full salary on maternity leave, but not for a graduated levey to fix up after the floods.

Our era, we didn't get housing grants, (too late for the first type and too early for the second) baby bonuses or any damn thing, and paid huge housing interest when Howard was Treasurer. And then the Super rules were changed a couple of years ago, which now stops me reducing to part time. All a bit of a 'joke' really, it could've been so different at the 'front end' of the baby boom - if only my folks had worked out how to do 'it' a bit earlier . [Married 1948, me born 1956]

However, I'm happy to pay my $80 contribution for the year - and donations to the flood appeals are tax deductable anyway. Just grateful my neck of the woods is high and dry.
 
How To Say 'I Love You' In 10 Languages
1. English: I love you.
2. Spanish: Te Amo.
3. French: Je T'aime.
4. German: Ich Liebe Dich.
5. Japanese: Ai ****e Imasu.
6. Italian: Ti Amo.
7. Chinese: Wo Ai Ni.
8. Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig.
9. Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu.
10. Australian: Nice Tits. Get in the Ute*.



Universal Laws
1. Law of Mechanics: After your hands become covered with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw -- when dropped -- will roll to least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the past 40 years.
"Maybe," says the Wizard, "but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
Without hesitation the old man says, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Queensland, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
 
Oh dear. Crude. But funny! :)
 
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake however, when she accused Frank, a new member of being an alcoholic, after she saw his old ute parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his ute in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... .and left it there all night.

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his donkey.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Igor said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Sir Rodern Cutler's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Sir Roden told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
 
Love Making Tips For Seniors


1. Wear your glasses. To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new crocodile shoes And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?


I went down to Centrelink this morning to sign up my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
Damn! Australia is a great country!

Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so she turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a Conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said Julia. "How about global warming, Universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as she smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question First.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
Julia, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

A woman told her mechanic, "Sometimes, when I have friends in my car, a terrible smell occurs -- but it never happens when I'm alone."
The intrigued mechanic suggested he take a ride with her.
Off they went, through a red light, 60 mph. through a school zone, the wrong way down a one-way street, swerving, hitting curbs, narrowly missing pedestrians, and blowing past a policeman so close he nearly flipped his motorcycle.
Finally, she said: "There it is! That's the smell I was tell you about. Do you smell it?"
The shaking mechanic stammered, "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!"
 
If i make anyone mad by these, just let me or someone else know & i'll delete! Just fun & games. :cool:

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young lady doesnt?
A: A Navel.

Q: Why don't women wear watches?
A: There's a clock on the stove!

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Elevator MagicA hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

Since d_generate likes to make fun of rednecks....:lol:
Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Redneck luv Poem
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR
 
CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"



 Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days.....................

 "When I wuz a young pella, inda dream time, me mudder wud sen me down to corner store
wif a Shilling, and I'd come back wif five pounds a potatoes, two loaves a bread, tree pints
a milk, a Pound a cheese, a packet a tea, 'alf a dozen eggs, an a packet a Rotmans Pilter.

Yer can't do that now mate.

" Too many pucken security cameras."


 
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