Today's joke

Christmas cake recipe

[FONT=&quot]Just in time for Xmas - Christmas Cake recipe!![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Ingredients:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 2 cups flour[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 1 stick butter[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 1 cup of water[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 1 tsp baking soda[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 1 cup of sugar[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 1 tsp salt[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 1 cup of brown sugar[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* Lemon juice[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 4 large eggs[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* Nuts[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 2 bottles wine[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]* 2 cups of dried fruit[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Go to Coles and buy cake.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bingle Jells![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
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Dear Santa

[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dear Santa,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Please send me a baby brother.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Santa wrote back: Send me your mother..."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
 
On sale at Bunnings

[FONT=&quot]One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a Doctor.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings Hardware. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong andWhat to do about it.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ...... .. . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The computer prints the following:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better![/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Thank you for shopping at Bunnings[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
 
Tsaht ko, yan miet
 
I have another joke which I quite like but it is probably a bit too offensive for a public forum. Which is a pity really but such is life. If you want to see it, just PM me. But be warned, it may be something some people might find offensive
 
Police Raid in Bankstown

Police have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonne of heroin, $50 million in forged Australian banknotes and 5 trafficked Filipino prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind the Public Library in Bankstown.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman, Mayor Mihailuk said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!!"
 
OK, last one for the year. Just over 13 hours to go but I'm pretty sure I won't post anymore till 2011.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Friendly Holiday Advice[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the RTA and the NSW Police indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jerks who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and stuff like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]That would be my wife”, comes the reply.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"As I was watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently, I saw a sign on a cab that said: 'English-speaking taxi driver'.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"I thought, what a bloody great idea! Why don't we have them in our country?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]While she was driving down Spit Hill towards the Bridge, a woman passed over the bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]To which she replied, "I'm late for work."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The cop stammered, "A what?............"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"A rectum stretcher!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about six feet."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot flower pot?" he asked.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

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A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him on a leash, walks up to the madam and asks for coitus with a lady with active herpes, the madam somewhat taken aback asks him to repeat himself, at this point he says "I want to **** a ***** with active herpes!" and slams $200 down on the counter. Nonplussed the madam agrees and provides the required services, as the lad is leaving the madam plucks up the courage and asks "why?" "well" says the kid, " when i get home i'm gonna do the babysitter, then dad's going to get home and do her as well, then mums gonna get home and get nailed by dad and tomorrow when the postie comes over to nail mum i can get the ******* back for running over my frog"
 
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica] A good ole' Aggie joke..[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. "But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house."

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my sister."[/FONT]
 
A Longhorn Joke
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cornhusker fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Aggie fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Longhorn fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cornhusker cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Aggie cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Longhorn cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Longhorn fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Longhorn hat, I find an flower pot."
 
Anudda one... Sorry, this one is a bit longer.

A Texas Aggie, a Baylor Bear & a Texas Longhorn were all driving along a country road late one night when their vehicle broke down. The Aggie mentioned he saw an old cabin back down the road a ways, so they hiked their way down.
When they arrived, they knocked on the door and an ugly old man opened it up. They explained their situation & asked if they could stay the night. Hesitant, the old man agreed & told them they could sleep in the loft on one condition - they could not screw his daughter, and if they did, he would shoot them.
At the sight of the old man, the fellow students just brushed it off thinking nothing of it & agreed. They stepped into the cabin & much to their delight, a beautiful busty blonde was laying half naked on the couch.
Sure enough, each one of the fella's had their go with the young lady that night & awoke to a shotgun in their faces the next morning. Pissed off, the old man says "It's time for you fellers to die!"
All of them worried & ready to piss their pants, the old man hesitated & thought for a moment. He then said "Welp, i reckon i 'ought to give you fella's a chance to live, so this is what we're gon' do."
He told the students to go out to the field behind his house and pick 100 pieces of their favorite fruit, then shove them up their donkey without them falling out & they would be free to go.
First up was the Longhorn. He went and filled his bucket with grapes. "Get to it!" the old man exclaimed. Well the longer gets goin & soon reaches 98..99..100.. But then busts out laughing and they all fell out. Not wasting a second, the old man shoots him dead where he stood.
Next up was the Baylor Bear, a little worried at this point. He filled his bucket with strawberries since his other buddy took the smaller grapes. It was hard, but he got up to 98...99..100, but then like his friend, burst out into laughs and they all fell out. Feeling a little bad for him with the strawberries being bigger, he said, "I'll give you one more chance to get 'em in there." So he goes again... 98...99....100! But once again, he started laughing so hard, they all fell out.
Getting a bit irritated, the old man said "Now before i shoot you, what in the dadgum hell is so funny?"
"Well Mister..." The Baylor student said "That aggie is out there & he's bringing in a cart full of watermelons!"
 
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