Just received the below by email. Enjoy ...
1. So British !!! JOKES (and other things one should know)
We've had this before but in these days of , "Wash, wash, wash your hands, Merrily under the stream", it's worth another look and giggle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUpFkSgt4DQ
2. Coronavirus Isolation...
We are a week into self-isolation and it’s very upsetting for me to witness my wife
standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space, with tears running
down her cheeks.
It breaks my heart to see her like this.
I’ve thought very hard of how I can cheer her up.
I’ve even considered letting her come in.... but rules are rules.
Some of these will resonate with many of our “Stay at Home” Members.
• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
• I need to practice “social-distancing” - from the refrigerator.
• Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
• PS: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
• Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Home schooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
3. The Sermon...
A very anxious young priest is unable to pronounce a single word on the day of his first sermon. The next day, he goes to see the Archbishop and asks him for some tips for the next Sunday sermon.
The Archbishop then advised him to pour a few drops of vodka into a large glass to feel more relaxed.
The following Sunday, the young priest follows the advice and manages to speak without being paralyzed, and without being nervous.
Back in the sacristy, he finds a letter left by the Archbishop as follows:
My son, next time, put a few drops of vodka in a large glass of water and not a few drops of water in the vodka bottle. On the other hand, I would like to share with you the following few comments, so that you can make a little more of your next sermons:
- There is no need to put a lemon slice on the edge of the chalice.
- Do not lean on the statue of the Holy Virgin and above all avoid hugging her tightly in your arms.
- There are 10 commandments and not 12.
- The apostles were 12, not 7, and none were dwarf.
- We don't talk about Jesus Christ and his apostles as "JC & Co".
- We do not refer to Judas as "this son of a dog".
- You must not talk about the pope by saying "the Godfather".
- Bin Laden has nothing to do with the death of Jesus.
- The walls that collapsed on the seventh day were not in Mexico City but in Jericho!
- Holy water is made to bless and not to refresh your neck.
- Never celebrate mass sitting on the steps of the vestry.
- Pontius Pilate said “of your stories, I wash my hands", and not "of your bovine poop, I don't care".
- The cakes are not appetizers to consume with the mass wine.
- The initiative of calling the faithful to dance was good, but not that of doing the caterpillar in the church.
- The man sitting by the vestry who you called "old faggot and a tranny in a skirt" was me...
Sincerely,
Archbishop.
PS: Jesus was not shot but crucified.
4. Ummm, got a point there...
This is the first time in history that we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and do nothing. Let's not screw this up.
