Today's joke

Rally

Rally

Forum Member
Joined
Jul 11, 2008
Messages
3,928
Location
Sydney
Car Year
1999
Car Model
WRX
Transmission
6 Speed
Found- Michelin Man's mum

We all know the Michelin Man




Michelin_Man01.jpg






But did you know that he was separated at birth from his mother? After decades of searching, he has finally found her at Byron Bay in northern NSW. Here she was when found:




















Michellin_Man_mum01a.jpg



The other good news is that they realise it is not global warming that is going to raise the world's sea levels......
 
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN on the following question:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
 
Classic :lol: :lol:

And the best way to get them to hang up on you (instead of you on them) is to ask for an interpreter :confused: :huh: :confused:
When they ask for what language, just tell them Aussie :ebiggrin:
It works every time :lildevil: :lol: :eviltoyou: :lol:

Regards
Mr Turbo
 
Defense warnings- by country

[FONT=&quot]The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the *******s". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Canada doesn't have any alert levels.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
Police Raid

[FONT=&quot]Police Raid in Bankstown[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Police have just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonne of heroin, $50 million in forged Australian banknotes and 5 trafficked Filipino prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind the Public Library in Bankstown.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Local residents were stunned.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A community spokesman, Mayor Habeeb Dib said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
 
"Gold"!
 
Love it - where do you get these from, I noticed another one posted elsewhere on the forum!

Good stuff

Cheers

Bennie
 
Motivation

[FONT=&quot]A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The husband asks,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]''What happened?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat "I do not Have a Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.. It Worked! The headaches are all gone."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Don't move, I'll be right back."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The husband says,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Don't move! I will be right back."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He goes back into the bathroom, Comes back and round two was even better than The First time.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The wife sits up and her head is spinning.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]With that, he goes back in the bathroom.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife..."[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]His funeral service will be held on Friday.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
A different look at the floods...

And now, in true Aussie style, we'll take the piss out of ourselves and look at things in a more light hearted manner.





Torrential rain hit Queanbeyan in the early hours of Thursday 9th December 2010.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage, $10 of that at Karabar alone.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Queanbeyan Age reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Queanbeyan.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old Mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal with a 95.7 % saturation rate .

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals particularly those at Jerrabomberra also known as Lower Tralee or East Machonachie.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or the Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected....
 
Growing old

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after

the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August"
 
Making love

After Making De Love

The Italian says :
'When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and
gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed
in ecstasy'.


The Frenchman replies:
'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend,
Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet
wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.


The Aussie says:
'Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my missus, I get out
of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my d!ck on the curtains.
And MATE ..... She hits the f*#king roof.'
 
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